


let it go (just let it be)

by brooklynbis



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5SOS - Freeform, 5sosfam - Freeform, Bands, Boyfriends, Crying, Dating, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Sad, Supportive Ashton, but that's because they don't realise anything is wrong i guess, malum, michael and calum are kinda dicks, supportive boyfriends, upset, upset luke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-23 10:09:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16156898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brooklynbis/pseuds/brooklynbis
Summary: Luke couldn't remember the last time he did something for himself. He never said no, never put himself first, not when somebody else needed something.He desperately needed a break.





	let it go (just let it be)

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings : mentions of depression and such  
> title from 'let it go' by James Bay.   
> comments, feedback and kudos would be appreciated if you enjoyed, plus any prompts which you can leave in the comments or in my tumblr ask box @/brooklynbis

Luke couldn't remember the last time he did something for himself. He never said no, never put himself first, not when somebody else needed something. Last week, it was an extra interview one of them had to do for promo, and he did it so the other boys could have some time off. Yesterday, it was spending all day hunting down a present for Calum for his birthday. The day before that was a concert and a day of trying to write another song for the album. 

He desperately needed a break. 

Ashton could sense something was off with him, how he clung to Ashton as he slept, how he always looked like being awake was an effort. He didn't know what was up though. 

As soon as Luke had untangled himself from Ashton's arms and had left the bedroom, he went down to the kitchen and started cooking some pancakes for himself and the other three boys who were presumably still sleeping. He knew that Calum and Michael had a late night, insisting on staying up and finishing the tv show they were watching in their bedroom. 

As the smell of pancakes began to waft around the house, he could hear footsteps from the floor above him, so he decided to finish up the batter and get out the toppings that were in the cupboard. As he began to plate up the pancakes, the three band mates stumbled into the kitchen chatting and laughing. 

"Morning Luke," Calum chirped as they all sat down, whilst Ashton went over to Luke and pressed a kiss to his cheek. 

"Did you want help with anything?" he asked, as he rested his chin on Luke's shoulder and watched as he frowned and finished plating up the pancakes. 

"I'm good," Luke said quietly, taking the three plates over to the table and putting them down in front of Calum, Michael and Ashton, who had since sat down. He received a wave of thanks as they all began to put toppings on their pancakes. Luke quietly put his plate back in the cupboard, resigning himself to making a cup of tea instead since there wasn't enough pancakes for the four of them. He promised himself he would grab something later in between writing sessions. 

"Luke, why haven't you got any?" Calum asked as he turned around to see Luke with his back to them, stirring his finished tea repeatedly. 

"There wasn't enough, so I'll have something in a bit," he said, turning around with a smile on his face, as if it didn't bother him. 

"Come and sit down and have some of mine then," Michael said as Ashton and Calum repeated similar statements. 

"No, I'm fine guys. You guys can eat," Luke said, waving them off and walking off with his tea, ruffling Ashton's curly hair as he walked past. 

He heard Ashton calling after him, but he ignored him as he walked away into the sitting room, putting his tea down to grab one of the guitars on the stand and sitting down on the couch, gently strumming at the guitar. 

He was left alone for about five minutes as the boys ate before they all followed him into the living room, Ashton sitting next to Luke and Michael and Calum trying to squeeze themselves into the small loveseat they had. 

"We gonna write today?" Michael asked as Calum linked his hand with Michael's. 

"I thought that was the plan," Luke mumbled, not looking up from his guitar. 

"Is everyone up for writing today?" Ashton piped up, mainly looking at Luke, and they all nodded, even if Luke's nod was a bit delayed. Of course, Ashton was the only one to notice this. As they all slowly began to move towards getting freshened up, Ashton gently took the guitar from Luke, who looked at him in confusion.

"Come with me a minute," Ashton said quietly, taking Luke's hand and pulling him up the stairs and into their bedroom, closing the door carefully once Luke had followed him. 

"What's up?" Luke asked as he sat on their bed and looked at Ashton, who had stood in front of the door. 

"What's wrong?" he asked as Luke frowned and shook his head. 

"Nothing, I'm fine," he said with a nervous smile, laughing as he avoided eye contact. "Just wanna get to writing, y'know?" 

"Luke, if something's up, you can always talk to me. You know that, right?" Ashton asked as he came to stand in front of Luke as Luke gazed up at him. 

"Yeah, I know that Ash. But there isn't anything to talk about," Luke shrugged, getting up from the bed and quickly kissing Ashton before moving towards their bathroom. "Be out in a minute!"

___________________________

They spent several hours in the studio in their basement that day, trying to piece together a song between them. Luke was beginning to get a headache as the laughter and guitars and drums began to get to him a bit. Luke grabbed his guitar and stood up, getting everyone's attention. 

"I'm gonna head upstairs for a minute, see if I can figure something out separately that I can bring back here," Luke announced as Michael and Calum frowned. 

"Aw, c'mon dude. We're almost there now," Calum protested, as Michael joined in and Ashton looked at him with a concerned expression. After a bit more pestering from the other couple, Luke sighed and sat back down, raising his eyebrows as he continued trying to figure something out. 

"Thanks man," Michael said, patting his back as Luke just nodded, avoiding eye contact with Ash. 

After about half an hour, Luke could feel that his headache had worsened, but he didn't dare leave again, not wanting to upset Michael or Calum who were so determined to finish this song tonight. 

"I might go and grab some food a minute," Luke decided, putting his guitar down on the sofa beside him before standing up to stretch. 

"Aw, are you going out for food?" Ashton asked from where he had placed his drumsticks down, also standing up to stretch. 

"I mean, I could," Luke said, implying that he wasn't planning on leaving the house. 

"Yes, we should get Maccie's!" Michael said excitedly, receiving a cheer from the rest of the boys as they all began to give Luke their orders. 

"You don't mind going, right? I mean, your guitar part is pretty much finished," Ashton said as he got out from behind the drum kit and walked over to Luke, who just smiled and looked down. 

"Yeah, no that's fine. I'll go. Be back in a bit," Luke said quietly, walking out of the room and up the stairs to put on his shoes and grab his car keys. This was not in the plan to take a couple minutes for himself, but here he was. 

Going out. 

________________________

It didn't take him long to drive to a Mcdonald's and get all of the food that the three lads had asked for. He got back into his car with a sigh, placing the bags of food on the seat beside him before strapping in and turning on the engine, pulling out of his parking spot. 

About halfway home, his phone pinged with a message. He pulled over into a layby, and grabbed his phone, looking at the message. 

Calum : could you grab coffee too please? Ashton wants a latte, and Michael and I want a mocha each please :))  
Luke : Yeah that's fine, be back in a bit :)

Despite the smiley face he added, he was not smiling at all. He was becoming more and more agitated, and he never minded doing things to make life easier for Ashton, Michael and Calum, but he kept neglecting himself. He was usually fine with this, but it was suddenly dawning on him how tired he was. 

He sighed before putting on his indicator and reaching the next roundabout and going back the way he came to stop at a coffee shop and grab some coffee. 

By the time he arrived back at the house, the food was half cold from having been there so long, and Luke could only hope that they'd still be satisfied with it. 

He entered the house carrying the bags and the cup holder, nudging the door open at the bottom of the stairs with his hip as they all cheered at the sight of him. Ashton came to help him by taking one of the bags and the cup holder, handing out cups of coffee to everyone. 

"Aw, it's not very warm," Michael said with a pout, as Luke frowned. 

"Well, I had to go get coffee," Luke replied, taking his cup of coffee and taking a sip. 

"You could've got the food afterwards," Michael pointed out as Ashton came to his defence. 

"To be fair, you did leave it pretty late before asking him to get coffee too." 

"Did you not get any dips?" Calum asked when he grabbed his fries as Luke shook his head. 

"Sorry, I forgot." 

"You forgot? The dips are the best part man! You can't have fries without dips," Calum frowned, as Michael nodded in agreement. 

"True that, though. The dips are the best part, it isn't hard to ask for some." 

And that's when Luke lost it. He gently put down his coffee cup and the burger he had picked for himself before turning to the three of them with a look of rage on his face. 

"If you wanted dips, you should've gone and got the food yourselves. Or even better, you could've ordered from somewhere that delivered, or just eaten what we already had in the kitchen!" Luke said angrily. 

"Well, you were already going out Luke! It seemed pointless for all of us to go," Michael replied as he opened the box of nuggets he had asked for. 

"No I wasn't!" he shouted as they all looked confused. 

"I was going upstairs to have something to eat and to get some fucking peace and some time to myself, but I couldn't even do that without putting you guys first! And this is what I get for it," he seethed before turning around to leave. He felt somebody grip his wrist, and he turned around to see Ashton about to speak before he yanked his arm away and stormed up the stairs and out of the house. 

_______________________

He ended up by a river, leaned up against a small stone bridge which is where he stayed for a few hours, even after it became dark. He didn't really bother to do anything for those few hours. He stayed away from his phone, that he could feel buzz in his pocket every now and again. He didn't put on music, just listening to the silence that he so rarely experienced recently. 

He ignored everyone that may need him to do things for them, he ignored everything that had caused him to get to this point. 

Occasionally, a car would go over the bridge, but that was rare, and other than that, the only light was from the moon which glistened on the water flowing through the river. He was shivering from the cold, since it was mid January, but he didn't want to leave. The cold could help him to feel something. Anything was better than nothing. 

He heard the snap of twigs underfoot coming from behind him, a sound he hadn't heard since darkness had fallen, and of course the first thing his mind raced to was that it was a serial killer. He turned around in fright as he jumped and the person came into the view in the moonlight. He relaxed slightly when he saw it was just Ashton, but he didn't fully relax, just turned back around to face the river again. He leaned his body against the cold stones of the bridge, not moving as he felt Ashton drape a coat around his shoulders and sit down beside him. 

"It's cold out here," Ashton broke the silence as Luke just nodded, not looking at his boyfriend. 

"Why don't you come back to the car, and we can talk where it's warm?" Ashton suggested, but Luke was quick to shake his head. 

"I don't wanna leave yet," he mumbled as Ashton just nodded, shuffling closer to Luke before wrapping an arm around his shoulders, Luke leaning into Ashton slightly. They sat in silence for a bit, Ashton giving Luke as much time as he wanted, despite him being freezing himself. He could feel how could Luke was, but the best he could do was try and heat Luke up with his body heat, which could only do so much when Luke wouldn't let himself be properly hugged. 

"It's pretty here," Luke said quietly after a while from where he had his head rested on Ashton's shoulder. 

"Yeah it is, there's a reason we have dates here often," Ashton replied, carefully linking his spare hand with Luke's, smiling when he didn't pull away but shuffled even closer, turning his body slightly into Ashton's. 

"No fans really come here, that's why," Luke said, making Ashton chuckle. 

"Well, yeah that is a perk I guess," Ashton said, pressing a kiss to Luke's hair as Luke tightened his arm around Ashton. 

"I'm sorry about earlier, dips was a stupid thing to get so angry about," Luke said after a couple more minutes of quiet. 

"Well, yeah it was. But usually when somebody gets overly emotional about something silly, it's usually down to something else. Something that's been stewing for a while," Ashton replied, waiting for Luke to respond. 

"I'm just tired," Luke responded, making Ashton sigh. "But like, I've been getting enough sleep. It just doesn't feel like it's been working," Luke continued, sighing as well as he nuzzled his head into Ashton's neck, trying to warm himself up now that he had felt how warm Ashton was. 

"Maybe you should go back to the doctor, you could get your antidepressants prescribed again if you think you're gonna have an episode again," Ashton mentioned, as Luke quickly shook his head again. 

"No, I don't wanna be weak again," he mumbled. Whilst they were on their break, the pressure of being closeted and at the time, having a fake girlfriend who then tried to ruin him, along with having to hide the fact that he liked Ashton more than he should just became too much for him, and it wasn't until the boys forced him to go to the doctor that he was diagnosed with clinical depression. It was mainly Ashton who coaxed him out of it, with the help of some antidepressants and occasionally Calum and Michael, who was suffering with his own issues that Calum was trying to help him with. 

Safe to say, in that break, they all fell apart in their own ways and helped to piece each other back together. 

But Luke was always afraid of having to go back there. He was always convinced that the drugs made him weak, and wrong, and no matter how much Ashton, Michael and Calum tried to tell him otherwise, it never convinced him. 

"Luke, we've been over this babe. They don't make you weak, it's not weak to need help. Nobody even has to know outside the four of us," Ashton pushed as Luke shook his head. 

"Please stop pushing it Ash. I don't need the damn depressants, it isn't that," he grumbled, trying to pull away slightly but Ashton wouldn't let him move away too much. 

"Okay, well do you know what's causing you to feel like this?" Ashton asked as Luke frowned, suddenly in a foul mood again. 

"Well if I did, I wouldn't be feeling this way, would I?" he snapped as Ashton sighed. 

"You're right, I'm sorry." he apologised as Luke shrugged before leaning back against the bridge, watching the water and the moon again. 

"Will you just let me take care of you, please?" Ashton asked and Luke didn't answer, so Ashton left it hang in the air, not following it up by bugging him further. He knew that would only serve to push Luke further away. 

"Okay," Luke replied quietly after what must've been at least ten minutes as Ashton smiled at him and slowly got up. Luke looked up at him as Ashton offered his hands to help Luke up, which he accepted. 

"You're gonna be alright," Ashton promised, pulling Luke's coat back over his shoulders before pressing a kiss to his lips and taking his hands, slowly leading his boyfriend through the trees, using his phone as a flashlight so they wouldn't trip over anything. 

Once they reached the car, which was parked under a streetlamp, Ashton turned to see Luke had tear tracks on his cheeks, his eyes red and bloodshot, when they weren't when they left the river. 

"Hey, what's wrong Lukey?" Ashton asked, wiping the tears away slightly before hugging his boyfriend, feeling Luke bury his face into Ashton's shoulder. 

"This just feels really stupid. I feel really stupid," he mumbled, his words muffled by Ashton's coat. 

"You're not being stupid, I promise Luke. I just want to look after you like you deserve," Ashton reassured him, not pulling away from the hug until Luke did. 

"It's gonna be alright." 

_________________________

"Did you want to pick out a movie?" Ashton asked as Luke carefully climbed into the freshly made bed. Luke just shook his head as he closed his eyes, listening to Ashton ramble. 

Since returning home, Michael and Calum had apologised before staying out of their way, probably a warning that Ashton gave them. He hadn't seen the other two lads all evening, their bedroom door remaining shut. Ashton had cooked him a meal, knowing that if it was an episode coming on, that Luke's appetite and eating habits would go to shit. He ran him a bath, and washed his hair for him. He turned both of their phones onto do not disturb, and had put fresh sheets on the bed and the duvet whilst Luke was relaxing in the bath. 

Granted, Ashton knew how to take care of someone. 

"We haven't watched this one yet," Ashton asked as Luke opened his eyes and saw Ashton holding up a film labelled '27 Dresses'. 

"Why do we even own that, it looks like something Lauren would watch," Luke snorted as Ashton raised his eyebrows and put it into the player. 

"It was Lauren's, that's why. I packed it for a bit of a laugh," Ashton chuckled as he got into bed next to Luke, instantly working their way into a cuddling position where Luke was half laying on Ashton, not that either of them protested. 

Luke kept feeling sleepy through parts of the film, but he wanted to know how it ended. 

"Honestly, I love James Marsden," Ashton said at the end of the movie, making Luke smile from where his head was resting on Ashton's bare chest. 

"Not as much as me," Luke said, as Ashton laughed and kissed Luke's forehead. 

"Never as much as you," Ashton confirmed, making Luke blush a bit as he sat up a bit and looked at Ashton, who was watching him carefully. 

"He was so supportive of her, and realised that she was going to burn out before even she did, and he was there when she did, I love that," he said quietly, sitting up fully crossed legged at Ashton's side, playing with Ashton's fingers as he spoke. 

"He just wanted to make sure she was alright, even when he didn't realise he loved her," Luke continued, not realising that Ashton was smiling at him as he spoke. 

"It's just really sweet, and I don't know why, but it makes me sad in some ways." Luke shrugged as Ashton nudged his leg against Luke's knee, making him look up at Ashton. 

"That's alright, y'know. Before I was with you, I couldn't watch films like that because I'd just get so sad and I'd feel so lonely because nobody loved me like that." Ashton told him as Luke frowned. 

"I guess it's better than the nothing I've been feeling recently." Luke shrugged as Ashton frowned. 

"I'd love you like Kevin loves Jane, Luke. I do love you like that, I promise," Ashton said, making Luke smile slightly. 

"I'll always love you like Kevin loves Jane," Luke replied quietly, letting go of Ashton's hand to climb into his lap and kiss him, hoping the kiss conveyed everything he couldn't say. 

He knew, as he pulled away and rested his forehead against Ashton's, appreciating his presence and the love he could feel radiating between the two of them, that the kiss did say everything he couldn't say.


End file.
